Alexa Nye

i passed a spot where we made out one night when i was a little drinking with my cousin, its a spot i literally pass every day but i cant stop thinking about you since then. i don’t know why but it hurts, you left me for no reason and didn’t give me a clear answer about why. i see you all the time in the hallways and it makes me feel worse, i wanted to be friends with you but there was no closure so i cant. i hate it. you didn’t have to ask me out but you did, i was fine with just being friends that occasionally made out while watching a movie. i thought about saying no and making you chase me but i didn’t because i really liked you, i would even say that i loved you. maybe you loved me to and that scared you? i would really like to know but i’m to scared to txt you. if only you knew how i felt, everything i want to say, everything i think, if only. if you had just waited and hung out with me one more time, i had something planned, i wasn’t sure if you would do it because of recent changes you were making in your life but i was gonna go for it. secretly hoping it would change your mid about the changes you were making but i was fine with them. i wanted you how you are, i didn’t even care that you smoked as long as you didn’t try and kiss me after. i wish i could tell you all of this but i cant even say hi to you anymore, i hate this. you had a past that you weren’t proud of and i knew that, i was more than willing to look past it because i thought you had changed but you cant let yourself be happy and i don’t get it. i should have stopped you but i didn’t know what to say, there was already so much going on and i thought you were safe, maybe that’s why i cant get over you? you were the safe one after 2 other relationships that didn’t work. i wish i knew how to say all of this to you but i don’t. i miss the walks to your house, i miss your smell, i miss everything about you. the way you kissed me, your smile, your laugh and your eyes. especially your eyes. they made me feel at peace, if you would have let me i would have just stared into them for hours but i’m not sure i could do that unless i could have you, i was ready to go all the way and i wanted it to be with you but i guess that cant happen. i wanted to tell you this before you left me but i never got the chance, i cant even really look at other guys anymore. all i want is you. i am trying so hard to move on because i know i cant have you but that doesn’t change anything. why cant i tell you this? still when i see you, you take my breath away. your always on my mind, i want nothing more than for you to know that i miss you but i cant tell you because i don’t think you will care. i don’t know who you would tell, if anyone if you missed me to so i don’t know who to ask bit all i want is to know, maybe if i knew you truly didn’t care i could then move on? just maybe. you seemed really happy in the beginning but then something changed you. i think you were scared because you were happy but i’m not you so i don’t know, i wish i did. then maybe all these questions would be answered? i wish i knew what you were thinking when you decided to end it. what happened? i need some kind of closure please! please? 

I thought my trip to ohio would start some long needed healing in my relationshit with my dad but it dad the exact opposite, and got me mad at my grandpa. I had a lot of fun though. I got to see my best friend from kindergarden, babysit my baby cousin and het my hair cut. But the trip did more damage than good since all my dad wanted to do was go out and get drunk with old friends when he sould have been spending time with his family that was in morning. Wtf?. He gets to my uncles house and says he’s done with the hole family thing bcz were to loud, my sister pointed out that bars are loud to and he said ya but that’s good noise. I wanted to scream but I didn’t say a word :). Not worth it. Moveing on to when I was getting a hair cut. My grandpa went first so he could take my sister to my uncles bcz she forgot something and I wanted food. Somehow we got on the subject of my dad and how he didn’t buy me cloths I needed and had been asking fo for 3 months. He basically told me that everything that happened between me and my dad was my fault bcz I didn’t try hard enough. I so badly wanted to say oh. So its my fault my dad was hitting me bcz I didn’t do my school work? Really? And you don’t belive me when julie left him for the same fucking reason and tryed to get a restraining order against him? I’m the one that’s wrong? But again I bit my toung, something julie tought me to do when dealing with my dad. I waited till he left and della the lady doing my hair, also a close family friend said so he really upset you didn’t he? And I said u could tell? She said ur like me. I can read you like a book, then we started talking about it and everything that happened and she told me that I dod the right thing and I’m wise beyong my years. Why does my family! Have to do this kind of shit. Isn’t famiily supposed to be there for you? These are the moments that make me want to have kids so I can make sure there not fucked up like me. I am so glad to be home again. Never thought id say that but I really am. Feels good to settle into my routine and see my friends <3 I’m on the way to 2 of my best friends houses right now. Becky and brandon, after I just did yoga with katie. I like the normalcy of walking in the cold even though I hate the cold. haha I’m so strange. Sorry for ranting on here but you better get used to it bcz that is now what this is for. :)

So we come to ohio because my great grandma died, were here to spend time with family right? Well not according to my dad. This is time to spend out drinking with friends and not be with the kids you never see or your mother who is in mourning. Maybe he needs to take a step back and look at his life and morals? I think so. This is totally redic and my sister is defending him? How the hell can you defend that? She’s also saying that my brother doesn’t want to spend time with him. I call total bullshit. What the fuck is wrong with my family?

I have decided that I need to start using this more. Idk how but I will!

weresomekindofhope:

I dont care if you seriously find it so much fun to mess with me, but i dont need your bullshit RIGHT now of all times.

I love my doggsss hahah <3

i offically want an xbox. 

My tummy is angry. Megan says its grounded..